Sunday, 3 January 2016

Floods.. And Phil (the voice of cycling)

Much of the UK is emerging from underneath a fairly deep and depressing series of floods. The last series of these 'once every hundred years' events in the UK was around 15 years ago. This non-centennial aqua apocalypse happened in the same regions as the recent events. Sadly our government has a large voter majority in the South of England so invested heavily in weather defences there, where it does not flood very often. The North and Scotland were hit hardest but had the least protection. Apparently the experts advised the Tories that they should perhaps move some sandbags and a bucket beyond Watford but were told to 'fuck off back up north' in order to 'dig up some coal' by our Old Etonian leaders who cut funding by 14%. Oliver 'black people are morally defective' Letwin suggested the Northerners use their copies of Das Capital to stem the tides. Sadly the old guard have now had to stump up £90,000,000 (around fifty trillion dollars and nine cents) to help the communists and their soggy copies of The Guardian. One Tory who visited the scene of devastation in his personal helicopter remarked that 'I didn't think it was a problem, if you don't have a toilet or electricity and get to work at the mine on a donkey why worry about some floods?'
So to the 'why' in a TED style? Global climate change, building on flood plains messing with river beds and routes, God judging us for watching and TV show starting with 'Made in' (see Essex, Chelsea, Syria). Can we correct it? Probably not, we're fucked. But wait, what would Phil Liggett do? Probably dance on his pedals and go to South Africa for a break and to check on some gold mines with Paul. I'll tell you what Phil would do, he would watch the floods rising but buy some stilts, he would mooch around the water logged streets telling everyone that his shoes were sans water and thus, there are no floods! And all amongst him would say 'no Phil, flood Postal, Storm lance is a shitter and is real, I am fucking soaking!'. And the waters would rise, Phil would accept some longer stilts from the flood Lance fund and, behold, his Nike's are still toasty and dry, whilst being supportive and light, ensuring his gait is correct. Still people would bob around in big yellow Livestrong hoops, hailing Phil; 'we have a problem here Phil, it's rife, my Miele toaster and Gaggia machine are merrily floating away and I can't keep up with them'. 'Don't worry about it' replies  Phil, those Italian appliances are simply more buoyant than you, it's science you see, they must be O.K, they have been PAT(McQuaid) tested and did not fail!'. And behold, the people of the North, despite being piss wet through and occasionally dying due to the thick and gloopy nature of the flood waters clogging their arterial roads by night listened to Phil. They trusted their PAT tested appliances, the Belgian waffle makers worked, the Italian Gaggia gurgled espresso into a silly little mug, the German Bosh tumble dryer tumbled away, all despite the obvious fact that they were submerged under turd infested, ever faster flowing waters. The only thing Phil could not explain was the apparent regular failure of the Peugeot cars and American deep fat fryers, for they sank and rusted amid the deluge, The American fryers were heavy and unable to fry chips for very long before simply blowing up, the Peugeot's and Citroens were PAT tested but had to have another test before leaving France, perhaps this made them less flood proof? Occasionally a Rover 200 would chug by, beating all the Lancia's, Seat's and BMW's in a short time trial, only to be left behind on the steeper banks, confused as all around them seemingly got faster despite deeper waters. Indeed, Blightly had only one appliance of any note, a Damillar limousine. seemingly rust resistant due to being imported from the Orient, for the Damillar could keep up with the Alfas and the VW's despite the thick and dragging waters flooding their radiators.
After some time the floods leveled after much of the rains and storms were shipped to Ireland and never came back, Phil explained that the PAT tested stickers found in the back of an engineers car by some policemen on Belgium were fakes and thus not approved by PAT himself, so some of the appliances had to be thrown into the scrap heap, for a few months, but could come back after a while once the water level had fallen. But still the rivers flowed faster than ever before, the Northerners asked Phil about this, he explained that technology and science meant that the clever Southerners could make water go faster, just in general, don't worry about it. But then, aghast in horror, the Northerners watched the floods rise again, this time they believed Phil a bit less but soon came around when they found that the appliances previously rendered useless in the waters were now omnipotent, especially those previously defunct American fat fryers. The French cars were still a bit unreliable but seemed a bit better than in the past, just a bit slower than the rest. So people rejoiced, they listened as Phil told them there were no floods, Phil organised charity canoe races to the shops with his new American PAT Tested appliances in tow, the US companies paid Phil handsomely for this work and he smiled broadly from his new set of golden water resistant stilts. The voice of Phil continued to dispel myth and rumor and most of the Northerners believed it, there were some who said 'but why Phil, why do we keep getting these floods and why, every now and then, does my Fiat seemingly break down only to either fail it's MOT on emissions and be condemned to the scrap yard then start up the next day and be faster than ever?' Phil laughed from his diamond encrusted Subaru powered Nike Air water flotation boots 'there are no floods, Storm Lance brings only sun and joy. Your Italian car? well Mr Ferrari is "one of the most talented minds" in engineering. Those appliances are just out of line with PAT testing methods but will soon catch up!'
One day, a really big tidal wave came, the wave swept all of the Northerners appliances away and then Storm Travis and Hurricane Brian followed, seemingly give a fuck-less as to whether appliances were PAT tested or not. Not even Phil's Trek hover bike could save him, and his voice was drowned out by the sound of revving Citroens and screeching Renaults driving over the Belgian waffle makers and Spanish Omelettes, the huff and puff of The Sky Train merrily and boringly rattling along the flood free lines, just fast enough out run Storm Lance and Cyclone Alberto but not fast enough to excite any of the passengers.
And then there was calm. Occasionally an appliance would blow up due to residual flood waters left in the sockets, and sometimes new appliances would behave oddly but most of them no longer worked under water and PAT testing seemed to reflect their vulnerable nature. Phil emerged (dry) from the floods and although people were now much more skeptical of his preaching, he still imparted his annoying fucking diatribe, and people still paid him to do it.
Phil is introspective now, he thinks there may have been a bit of a flood, perhaps one or two front rooms got a bit damp? He is happy that General Motors now know how to repair a flood damaged interior but still loves the 1990's Vauxhal Astra GTE for it's unholy ability to go really fast despite having a really shit chassis and unreliable engine, it just needed 4 star and new oil every other day. The fact that he earned lots of money saying how great those 90's American cars were in a flood laden world of seemingly impossibly functioning submerged European appliances has been archived by ITV, hopefully things will change and Phil will drown (notionally).
Phil now has a mantra:
1: When the whole world is flooded, the best PAT tested appliances still float to the top
2: Storm Lance was not 'normal', but every inch of the world was rained on by Storm Lance so it (the flooding) was 'fair' - a level  playing field (albeit under water)
3:Blaming Storm Lance and putting up dams to stop it causing flooding again will do nothing to prevent more flooding and is very unfair indeed, especially when Storm Lance flooded my mates gold mine, with cash

It never rains but it pours...

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