Monday, 4 January 2016

I'll Ban all Fixies entering Shoreditch!

Controversial Republican Party of London Village candidate Ronald (Super) Tramp has announced his plans should he win his campaign to oust Boris (the bike) Johnston. Among his many racist and fucking ludicrously  bizarre policies he has announced the plan to build a temporary autonomous death ray cyborg system to patrol the border of Shoreditch targeting any person(s) with sleeve tattoos riding fixed gear bikes, deterring them using lasers. Failure to do a 'stoppie' and turn back to Tower Hamlets will result in the riders 'non US values' being cleansed with radiation and their off the ankle trousers being made baggy and ill fitting. Tramp has released his plans, stating that 'These Hipster freaks have beards, so must be evil terrorists. I hear some of them are friends with blacks and don't eat meat? Obviously I'm opposed to all of that multi cultural vegoterrorism shit, I've taken advice from Oliver Letwin around the black issue, he tells me London's black folk are morally corrupt and I accept that.
Tramp's plans have been widely condemned by all other candidates except for the cross party agreement on a ban on Bianchi Pista bicycles, and the persecution of anyone wearing Rapha Cycling kit under clause b, subsection 5 'because it's pretentious wank'.
Big Blonde Bozza has denied he is related to Tramp despite the glaring physical similarity, quoted as saying, 'I'm no relative, I'm the descendant of a Turkish fella and French aristocrats, so a Muslim and people who wear eau de toilette, Tramp approves of neither, I've met him, he's a cunt'.
The election drama contines, hipsters of Shoreditch await the result with baited beards, peppered with the suds of a craft beer and grease from a 'gourmet' burger.

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